Welcome to Day 29 of our run of Zine 2 submission posts. Apologies for skipping a day yesterday. We’re a fair way through posting each submission in order of appearance in our zine now, Day 29 brings us another brilliant submission by talented writer and roller derby skater Tuesday Peckett.
would like to buy a physical copy of her work in our zine, click here: http://designingoutsuicide.bigcartel.com/product/designing-out-suicide-issue-2
Thanks again Tuesday, see submission below…
The Drugs DO Work
Over the Bank Holiday weekend I did something really stupid.
Allow me to elaborate.
I am currently taking three types of medication; one for my skin as I suffer residual acne breakouts following an acne riddled adolescence, one to reduce to stomach acid as the doctor thinks that the cough I have had for seven weeks is a result of aspirating refluxed acid, and my crazy pills (aka anti-depressants). On the first morning of a five day trip to London I discovered that I’d forgotten one of them; my crazy pills
Duloxetine is an SNRI which means that it increases the concentration of serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain by inhibiting reuptake of the chemicals. It has a half-life of 12 hours which means the body clears it pretty quickly so my dosage takes about 36 hours to leave my body. And that is when the withdrawal symptoms kicked in over the weekend.
My first indication that withdrawal was kicking in was nausea and my skull feeling too tight making my head feel heavy. Over four days these sensations came and went along with a feeling that my brain was sloshing around so that I could almost feel it moving when I moved my head, causing dizziness. I also experienced what are known as ‘brain zaps;’ to me this occurs as a flash of crackling white noise that is so intense that I can almost feel it flash through my brain like an electric shock. And those are just the physical side effects; now for the mental ones.
Irritability usually comes first due to being so uncomfortable all the time; this leads to withdrawn sullenness. I felt completely disconnected from the world around me; I wasn’t living my life, it was just happening around me. Feeling like this makes enjoyment very difficult as nothing feels like you’re actually experiencing. Nothing feels quite real; I felt so far away from everything and it’s an isolating feeling. I felt sad most of the time, sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes for dwelling on the past and sometimes for issues I created in my head. I felt anxiety about ruining the week and about how I had been looking forward to this trip for months and was so excitable before withdrawal started that I was disappointed.
This is the most selfish response I have when i am experiencing disconnection to the level of disassociation and anxious guilt.
BPD brings with it an obsession with perfection which in my case represents as this almost fixation on what the perfect life should be. This fixation, or wont of a better term, includes the big things like house, pets, cars, wedding etc. as well as smaller things. My most current examples of those smaller things are how celebrating my 30th should feel and how the weekend should have gone. Leading up to my 30th I was obsessed over how it should feel special but I couldn’t actually come up with how to make that feeling happening. I had a lovely day with my family climbing high ropes, drinking Prosecco and going for a meal, although I missed seeing my SO (my ex and I have now been seeing each other again since for 3 months – I think it’s going well). I looked forward to spending a long weekend watching horror films and enjoying my SO’s company. Due to being disconnected and feeling anxious that I was ruining our time together by being so distant, I didn’t enjoy watching the films as much as I had expected because of waning concentration and I was withdrawn into myself and therefore my SO. These outlooks left to me feeling disappointed by the weekend because I felt like we hadn’t done anything special for my birthday and I confessed this.
What a horrible, ungrateful thing to think and say out loud.
My SO paid for out tickets and apartment for the trip as well as all the food (which was a LOT) while we were there and buying me a few gifts. How spoiled and lucky am I? And yet I felt disappointed which is appalling and I regret not only feeling it but admitting to it. However, I can’t change what has been done; I can only apologise and use it to help me improve my awareness of, and how I manage myself in, these situations in the future.
This weekend showed me that my medication is making a difference and that the dose I am on is working for me. My parents have been against me taking medication since the time in my early twenties when I was on four different types that left me in a zombie like state that was still severely depressed and detached. When I returned home after my break-up in April, I mentioned my meds in front of my dad who spat, “You need to get yourself off those things,”
No dad, I really, really don’t
By Tuesday Peckett